A Somber Day

The mood today has been somewhat somber and quiet. I woke up on my friend's couch this morning, after a long night of partying. Most times I am not like that, but the party was good. Maybe it would have been best if I had chosen to go to the concert instead of staying and drinking. I think I needed a night of mindless bonding, maybe. The football teams we were cheering for lost. Other than that it was a fun time.

The trip back home was the somber part, mostly because a friend sent me a text message about a college professor where we went to college. He was arrested a few days ago on child pornography charges. This comes as a huge shock to everyone. Not that we knew him. He was a new hire at Tech, having hired on as most of us were graduating. I met him while he was interviewing for the job. All day I have been trying to get my mind around this, trying to make it make sense. My family has some history with this, sort of. Years ago one of my family members was accused by another family member of sexual molestation. What this teacher did was worse. We fight our demons in our own ways. The professor did not deny what he did, according to the news articles. Maybe he wanted to be caught. But I don't buy that this is an affliction.

We all have moments of weakness, everyone. No one is perfect. But we get past these times. We know what is right and wrong, yet sometimes we say we are too weak and cannot fight our vices. Is this the same weakness that brings alcoholism and drug use? I fight against myself, sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. What do I fight against? Fear. That might sound odd, but I fight my own fear of rejection. I get afraid of rejection from those that I love. It has made me make dumb choices, and at times not stand up for myself. I am not proud of that, so much that I never even let it show. People can see it though, specially the ones who might use it against me. This weakness I have might stem from my parents divorce and my father leaving, but I fear it is deeper rooted than that. But I know what I fight, and I fight it each day.

This was a quiet and somber day. I needed to reflect a little, but sometimes the man in the reflection isn't the greatest man in the world.

Goodnight,

Nate

the sun rises outside my window this morning. all is quiet in this corner of the world. my brother and nephews have left on their journey back home. they have my old car. it was a birthday present to the oldest nephew. of course my brother gave me some money for it, which I gave part of back to my nephew so he could license it when he gets home. maybe I should not have accepted any money for it.

it was a good weekend. we spent yesterday driving around town and seeing sights. last night we went out to play miniature golf and eat pizza. I miss them sometimes here. years ago my life took me far away from most of my family, but life does that. there are some family members down here, my aunt and uncle. they have a couple of kids, now grown, who aren't too far away. maybe next weekend I'll go visit them. my life right now is work, friends, and some family. no love in my life except for the love I keep for those far away. maybe that is what pains my heart sometimes. there was some heartache when my family had left this morning. we hugged a lot before they left. they are good kids, my nephews. I can see why so many people want families and children.

the sun is up now, shining on the houses. I am here sitting typing this down, feeling like a bird who doesn't know how to fly. I see my friends and family living their lives, happy and sad. maybe I write too much, not living in whatever moment I find myself, dooming myself to walk alone in this life, walking through life, writing and taking photos of what I see, not really living.

then I remember those I have let into my life, and everything they have brought me, both good and bad; the friends who supported me, those who stole from me, the family members who love me, the people who disliked me, the women I have let myself love but didn't really love me, and those who loved me when I never wanted it from them. why is this life so hard sometimes? do we choose to make it hard by our preconceived notions of right/wrong, of love/hate?

we try all our lives
try to be happy
whatever that means

you love the people
that touch your heart

life takes what it wants though
not letting you make many choices

I am scared of love, sometimes.

it frees my heart
loosens my pen
opens my defenses
blinds my vision
makes me trust myself
and my feelings.

the only thing that hurts me
is my heart, is my love
my doubt when things go wrong
makes me not trust myself
makes me close it off
to those who love me.

there is no love without hurt
no peace without war
we exist here for unknown reasons.

inside us is every possibility
there is love and hatred
anger and compassion.

I can do little but say this
over and over again
we are our salvation,
we are our downfall.

when we love, others may follow
when we hate, it breeds more hate.
mob mentality or personal empathy?

I love, and sometimes I hate
my life is not right
but I try everyday
to make it close to right.


Nate

You and Me

We are one nation, this world today. It is no more evident then in the financial crisis that has hit almost every country across the globe. There was talk about this years ago in the States, but you see it now. We are all just fractious states in the same massive country we call Earth. Some of the states bind together to try and face some of the major problems we face such as global debt, environmental issues, and the governing developing states.

The United Nations is like their Senate, but without too much real power. The only power the United nations has is to bring together the states in discussion that will hopefully lead to action by some or all of the states. They police their own when one of the members acts out, such as the Georgia-Russia incident that is hopefully now calming. I say that only for the innocent involved, the citizens who put up with the governments of their respective states in that region. When governments fight it is usually the citizens not involved who pay the price with their lives.

If we are not to this point of one nation under the United Nations, then we will soon be there. We argue that we have our national pride, but that nationalism is what usually gets us in trouble. It is a tool used by those in power to steer the masses in whatevr direction they choose. Maybe it is better to say that the world is made up of various country-states within the the same massive nation. We have our borders and our own laws particular to whatever state we live in, but there is a higher power that dictates to us what we can and cannot do. For awhile America was above this, but with all the interconnectivity that is revealed with present financial crisis it is evident that America is reliant on other countries as much as they are reliant on America.

Where do we go from here? Yesterday I obtained a loan for a newer car, so there is still some credit to be had out there. Is this financial crisis a smoke screen to scare and control the people of the world? You can ask most people and they will say the 'buyout' of the banks was not needed, but this correction of financial loaning practices has been needed for a long time. Lending institutions were loaning out money to people who could not afford the payments, knowing full well that they would later foreclose on the property and not have lost any money on the deal. The people who suffer are the people overextending themselves with loans they never should have taken just to try and better their lives, to have a better house, a better car. That is not bettering yourself, and whomever sold these people on this dream should be locked up. That would be the government and the media, telling them that they can do anything they want, that they can live the American dream. Well they can, but it is one thing to tell someone they can do something, and a whole different thing to actually help them achieve that dream or atleast show them how to properly do it.

It takes hard work, not buying on credit. Hard work is the cornerstone of the immigrants who come to America, whether now or 200 years ago. They have always had it the roughest because they arrive here without much to their name and have to work twice as hard to get what they need, what they want. There is all this political discussion about immigration into America. we should be thankful we actually have people here who want to work. From the time I was a young boy I was taught the importance of hard work for low pay. Presently I have slightly higher pay, but I work real hard for it. Have too many people in the world forgotten the value of hard work, or have they just taken on more debt than they should have? Have we as a society placed too much emphasis on outward appearances, instead of focusing on the core of an individual? We need to be smart with our hard earned wages. I can say this because I fight with myself to save money. It is not easy in this world where we want more than we can afford.

We are one nation, this world today. Together we rise, divided we fall.

I did not mean to write so philosophical. It just came out. Usually I am just a laid back kind of guy. Guess people being laid back might have contributed to this financial mess we are currently fighting. Do we trust our lending institutions and world leaders to get us through this? I have my reservations about trusting them. What can we do though? Guess we either trust them or elect people we can trust. Maybe more discretion on who we borrow money from is warranted as well. Have a good day.


Nate

We do not know what tomorrow brings. Our trust is put wherever we see fit to put it. Tonight I am not trusting my thoughts or dreams.

there is an emptiness
in me tonight

it feels like a hole
in the world

a place where nothing resides
somewhere you cannot see.

sleep will capture these thoughts
these feelings of loneliness

night erases what I cannot say
taking away my despair

I cry out for you to hear me
if only in my dreams.

the dreams I cannot see
cannot remember when I awake

they haunt me for I wonder
what they are not telling me

am I whom I seem to be
walking around in the daylight?

is my soul something else
something greater, or maybe lesser

these nightly visions
are but reflections turned inwards

mirrored samplings of who we are
sometimes distorted in our perceptions.

there is an emptiness
in my heart tonight

it is like a hole
that has no edges

a place where I cannot see
what resides within me.



Good night,

Nate

That Old Feeling

There are times when this settles over me. They are not dangerous times, or times out of the ordinary, except to say that I am morose, or somewhat sad. Maybe those aren't the correct words, but they are all I have.

It's like I know somewhere in the world something has happened to make this a more somber, sadder place. I use what is around me to focus my thoughts to make myself forget these times, but they still visit me now and then. I use work to push myself past these times, and I use friends to better my moods. We never really stop to think too much on what things mean to us. Well I don't stop enough. I do not mean to project my inadequacies onto anyone else.

My work calls me now, for there is much to do to occupy my thoughts today. May this pass from me when it is meant to. I will revisit this writing later when possibly I have forgotten what troubles me.

What troubles me? insecurity, aloneness, instability?

I was tempted to just randomly surf the web just now at work. Nothing that wouldn't be suitable for work though. My time would be better suited to writing these things out. We all have some sense of insecurity in these days. Truthfully the times of peace and security are most likely behind us for awhile. What we have now are times of questions, times where we do not know enough about who we are as a people and where we are going in the near future. We are not alone though in our quest for security. The world is changing more than we might be ready to accept. It is unstable because we do not know yet what we want. We strive for normalcy, if it even exists, by forcing what we want and feel on people half way around the world. Why can't we just stop and right ourselves before we insist on changing other people? We need to change ourselves. We need to wake up from whatever dormancy we inhabited in the 80s and 90s. Perhaps we are waking up. What roused us? The threat of terrorism has woken up the world to what has always been there. The world is too small for us to not be concerned with who is killing who, and for what reason they kill. I myself am more of a idealist, hoping that there can be peace. But there is a part of me that has grown in the last seven years that is more of a realist. We live in the real world, where people die everyday and most of us do not even see or think about it. Truth is our lives fill most of our days. Our lives are better than most in the sense that we have many options in our lives. We sometimes limit ourselves by our own actions, and sometimes others limit our possibilities because or prejudice or racial bias, but we still have more say in our own lives than people in other countries.

Are you republican or democrat? I am neither, and will never be labeled as either one. We need to be without a label. We need to break every stereotype we have ever heard about ourselves, or where we come from. As individuals the only thing we can actually control are our thoughts and actions. I cannot say what exactly is right. All I can do is live with respect and love for myself and others, and demand that the people who represent me in whatever country I live do the same. We should not live under the leadership of fear, hate, or greed. I have seen alot of politicians come and go in this country. Sooner or later you see the results of men who lie, cheat, steal, and intimidate. I will vote in this election come November, but it will not be for Democrat or Republican. I will not vote for change just for change sake. My vote will mean something if only to me.

My break at work was over a short while ago. It is time to be productive I think. Have a good day wherever you are. I think maybe I am over that funk from earlier today.
Nate

Dreams and Heart Murmurs

Hi again,

I tried to dream last night. There was something there when I awoke, but it wasnt clear or gorund breaking. I was arriving at a party sometime after dark. I saw some of my friends there. It was a birthday party for a friend. It was kind of a let down that it was the dream.

I've done a fair amount of work today. Sometimes the pace and amount of work get to me. I am not one to not want to get things done, so I try real hard to get what is in front of me accomplished. Sometimes I push myself too much. Right now I feel somewhat burnt out, like I am moving so fast that when I do slow down my body has to take time to acclimate itself to this new speed.

These times sometimes coincide with the murmurs I feel, the times when maybe my heartbeat isn't what it should be. The writing I do helps, as does listening to slower music. Right now there is some Ben Harper songs playing on my work computer. I brought in some personal music to listen to at work, thinking maybe it would help my mood throughout the day.

With my job I help people fix problems with whatever we as a company have sold to them. Seems like I am somewhat good at fixing other people's problems. If only I was that good at fixing my own problems. I am working on it, but it easy to overlook what you are going through with everything that is happening in the world. It is sometimes easier to not see the problems in your own life, maybe hoping they will fix themselves. I fight against this more than I should in my opinion. It seems that everytime I get something fixed, something else creeps in that I should have seen and fixed a long time ago. Maybe I am just now paying for all the mistakes and unfixed problems of my past.

I am being vague I know, but that is a writers priveledge. A slow song by Anggun is playing 'Breathe in Water'. I first saw her music on the soundtrack from 'The Transporter' and the song "On the Breath of an Angel.' I think she is french and arabic. She has a really good voice, and most of her songs I can put on a low volume at work. I listen to most any kind of music though, from the ACB's to Warren Zevon. Kid Rock sampled the beat to "Werewolf in London' for his new song. I think that is okay, but the technique of sampling for beats in songs is used too much. You may ask why this is important. It deals with creativity. We are becoming less and less creative as individuals. The more we lean on the past, the more we chance damaging our future. We need smart creative people to bring about the changes needed to advance as a society, as the human race.

You don't hear that phrase much lately 'human race'. Is the word 'race' thought to be a bad word? We all belong to the human race, no matter where you were born or what you believe in.

I just got another email on this job that is really stressing me out. How can we have so many problems on one job? My boss told me this morning that they wanted to keep me in this position for longer than the year they originally told me back last October. I don't see me lasting past Halloween here if that happens. I may be strong and mature enough for this job, but it is the kind that burns people out quick. Lunch is close to over, and maybe I can get a jump on that problem if I at least look at the email that just came in.


Hope wherever you are, that your day is better than mine,


Nate

Music and Memories

Good Evening,

You may wonder what I am doing tonight. Just writing some here, not too much. I wanted to share a view of the other side of the world. Doesn't look that much different than your own backyard, I suppose. A fried of mine took this picture with their webcam to show me what their world was like. I'm not a big webcam guy, having only owned one once. I am not that technologically advanced yet. This blog and a few forum websites are my maximum exposure I think.

Even when I write I prefer to write with pen on paper over this typing on a laptop. I can remember being at work, or in class, and sneaking in personal time to write something down. Sometimes I would finish a long poem or two in less than an hour. I could not help it. There was a feeling inside of me that had to be expressed, if for no other reason than I felt it. My muse, she encouraged me to never hide how I felt, yet there were times I am sure that she worried about what I could write. I had my times of self doubt and depression, and sometimes still do to a degree fight those feelings.

One of the sources for my writing has been music. It makes me smile and sing and cry and basically every emotion that you can feel. Last night I put on some Mozart and Vivaldi looping on the laptop while I slept. Hadn't done that in awhile. Was somewhat soothing to sleep to the Four Seasons.

I wasn't going to get into this tonight, but I spoke to my muse some this morning. After breakfast but before I got to work. We haven't been that close and thus my writings, at least the sappy romantic poems, had slowed down with sadder ones coming out more often. I m not proud of them, except that I was feeling them so it was better to write them down to get those feelings out. I miss her lately more than I have in the past. I gues I will always miss her. She is out there just out of sight in the picture above. Sometimes I would imagine myself stepping through that picture and being there by her pool. One day that will come to pass, but right now it is time to dream again.

Good night,

Nate

Walking

I needed to post a picture with actual people in it for this post. There are mainly landscape or architectural pictures in my portfolio, but this picture really stands out to me as to what you can see when just out walking around. That is the topic of this post, walking through life. I rewrote a poem today after reading a review that someone had sent me long ago. It is a poem about life, and what we might go through as we walk down our paths we choose. I know one of the models in this picture. I had attended a soccer match that night. My friend was there with his company for an outing. After the match I met up with them to hang out when this young woman posed for a picture with my friend. If only I would sell this add to Coke, lol. Anthow here is the rewritten poem. The original title was not very thought provoking "Walking". I have a new title.

Ancestors - by Nathan Linhardt


my spirit is trapped
inside this mortal shell

waiting for the hour,
the day I am truly free

kept from flying,
quiet in solitude

images distract me
from what is true
in this complicated
existence we live in

bright lights pull me
asking me to stay
and fill my days
with nothing more

than the emptiness of vice,
than the blindness of folly,
than the absence of love.

we learn what they choose
to teach us,
those who look out
for our best interests.

yet what we really need
is the guidance
and wisdom
of every generation before.

this voice in me speaks
with conviction and truth
when saying to you
there is a way to be true

true to the spirit inside
honoring all those before
and walking the pathway
with many kindred souls.

Nate

Unseen Forces

I was sitting in the car on the way to work this morning thinking that somehow the sun looked different this morning, more round or something similar. It settled in mind throughout the day, so I am writing this tonight to make some sense of it all. We live our lives working, eating, sleeping, and just plain being. There are scant few times we stop and think of things beyond us.

What is it that keeps our little world revolving around whatever it revolves around? What is it that makes us question everything? Or am I just asking the questions over and over hoping to find the answers which agree with me? This body is not fit for sports. My mind is one of my strongest attributes. It works better when free of distractions, like tonight. Tomorrow morning I'll get up early and try to go to the zoo. Last time I was there it was too hot to see the big cats. They live caged for however long their lives are destined to be. Do their lives reflect society?

At least we get to vote for our zookeepers............

Nate

Thoughts

Hi guys,

I know it's been a few weeks since I entered a blog. Maybe Ike can be blamed somewhat. We didn't lose power at the house, but enough of my family and friends did that my time has been somewhat filled with helping them.

Really though I am in a transitional place maybe. There are times I get downhearted, and this is one of them. A big part of me is itching to be somewhere else, anywhere else. Usually this happens in Spring, but in Southern Texas Spring happens all year really, except for the hot days of Summer.

My problem is that I know where I want to be, but I can't find a reason to be there other than the way I feel. It's hard to get my head, and wallet, around that. Or maybe I am just afraid of failing, again.

I was writing some last night about what I went through as a kid. Of course at the time I thought I was suffering what no kid ever had to suffer. My parents loved me, but that didn't really change anything. My brothers were my best friends back then, and we are still real close. We all suffered through high school and our parents divorce. We all worked our way through our adolescence in order to support the family. My older brother and I did what we had to stoically, while my younger brother rebeled when and where he could. There was always the threat of violence looming over us from our stepfather, but it wasn't mean or malicious. Truthfully I did not want to work as a kid, but I felt that I had no choice.

When I left for college I could not wait to escape the life I thought I was trapped in as a kid. College was 500 miles away from my family. For a long time my younger brother felt as if I had abandoned him there with my mom and stepdad. Maybe in a way I did. I don't know. It can be hard on a kid growing up to feel as if trapped.

As an adult it is easy to see the bigger picture, but that doesn't change how what we went through afffected our lives and viewpoints. I am not smart enough to say how I was affected, except that I had from that time learned the value of work. Unfortunately there has always been a reluctance to let loose and have fun. Fun was never really a part of my childhood after age 12.

Luckily for me now, most of my friends drag me out because they are still not set in their way adults like people my age. Maybe a part of me never grew up from age 12. I still tend to see the world as too simple sometimes.

Time to get back to work. I wrote this for one of the blogs I write to, but will share it with the others. Hope wherever you are, your days are good.

What I was feeling when my parents divorced,

Always There, by Nathan Linhardt

That day upon which he left

he didnt say a single word.

He just wasn't there.

It was ever approaching,

this day had been for years.

He just didn't care.

No edible fruit will grow

on that family tree,

none this tree wants to bear.

That day I started my own

with no mention of his name,

but little was I aware.

I was more like him

than I saw in the mirror,

of that demon I am heir.

I try to stop this line

of isolation and pain.

This tree I will repair.

And mend what branches

are left around me,

by showing that I care.

With a start of sharing

my feelings for you,

both the common and the rare.

For I shall travel far and distant,

but my love for you

is everywhere.

This poem I dedicate

to all those in my life

who will always be there.

Nate

Hump day thoughts

I like to take pictures, if you hadn't figured that out, finding it somewhat relaxing. The majority of the time the pictures are of nature, or architecture. This life can be stressful, if you let it. Most times my job, and life, stress me out. This morning was spent working and stressing some. It is no surprise that for a few minutes that old feeling came back to me. It is not easy to desrcibe in words and sentences. I wrote a poem about it awhile back, but I wrote another one just this morning. I'll put both on here, below. Back to this picture. It was taken at the townhouse where I live. I tried to get all sky because the places around me are almost all the same, and boring. The picture turned out looking as if it was taken from a plane in the sky. I like that. The color and composition are pleasant to the eye. Having my camera, and a willingness to take pictures is something that helps me relax. Anyhow, below are the new poem "I Push" and the older poem "Murmurs".

"I Push"

I push too hard.

This body

is now slowing,

almost

stopping.

It's the murmurs

that I feel,

beating,

somehow

screaming.

I ask too much.

This heart

is now slowing,

as if

strolling.

Maybe it's wisdom

that does this,

this asking

my soul,

pleading.

I run too often.

This life

is needing

peaceful

feelings.

"Murmurs"

I can't explain it,

but to say

it's all internal.

An odd feeling

settles in

around my heart.

The pace is not

that different

to cause me panic,

but my chest seems

constricted,

and I feel each beat.

I have had this

ache before

sitting in my chest,

like a weight

holding me

from moving anywhere.

I would call it

heartache

but no one has broken it.

It should pass

rather soon,

but each time is unique.

No one knows

of this

my heartache, my pain.

I force myself

to move,

distracting my mind

from the murmurs

of my heart,

echoing in this silence.

Nate

My Winds

This picture has little to do with the title to this post. I took this picture in Alberta Canada while I was there for a long weekend. I drove up from Couer d'Alene one weekend in the summer of 2005. I had just bought my first real digital camera, and wanted to take some awesome photos. I have bought a few cameras since then, but I got some really good photos with that little Nikon CoolPix camera.

I chose this picture because it is a statement of who I was as compared to who I am right now. I was an idealist then. I was someone who could pick up his life and do something fun, original, and meaningful at the drop of a hat. There is some of that person still inside of me, but it seems to be harder and harder every year to be that guy. Maybe I am fighting against these made up winds that I say are pushing me to where they want me to go. I was thinking along these lines today when I wrote a small poem. Maybe I was experiencing memories of a friend who has been away for awhile. Anyhow it is a small poem about life I guess. I try not to analyze what I write, because I tend to overanalyze things anyway.

The working title is "Winds of my Life"


I am sore today
from the coughing,
aches, and pains.

This is not the life
I thought would happen
,so much is different.

When we are kids
we dream of life,
and what we can be.

This life molds me.
As much as I try,
I cannot shape it.

Fighting against wind,
I move to directions
from deep in my heart.

But my body betrays me,
shifting from the force
of the winds around me.

What once was my horizon
is now off to my right.
My direction is lost to me.

My angel leads me on,
but her voice gets lost
in the wind sometimes.

She tells me 'stay'
and she will care for me,
for my heart and my soul.

But her voice is distant
not beside me as I wish,
somewhere out of my vision.

Today I quell the winds
with words made of symbols,
answers made of riddles.

The wind it tries to move me,
it tries to shift my perception
to deafen me to my own heart.

I can stay the wind for you
if the words come out right,
if my words are from my heart.

Nate

My Life On The Run

When I was younger my life was not set before me. There are things that were static, but some things were dynamic. Dynamic in a way that you actually can visually see. My family moved around after our parents were divorced, new schools, new friends, new neighbors. Maybe my life has never stopped moving since then. For a small part of my life, 6 years, I lived on a small farm but even then my job took me away for weeks on end to new places of the country.

I like to be moving because it comforts me to know that I do not have to settle down. Driving long distances still is pleasant to me, even in my 30s. I do like to stop and see the area I am passing through. I love to take pictures too. There are shots of road side vending stands in New Mexico that I would have never seen if I had not driven to my destination.


Above is a shot I just took a few hours ago. I was driving down 610 North towards the house, after just leaving dinner with friends. I could not make it home soon enough to capture the sun setting behind some clouds, and I could not pull over on the freeway. So I just turned my camera on and took some pictures whilst driving. Maybe not the smartest thing I have ever done, but my driving ability is better than decent. There are some pictures taken while driving that turn out really good. I framed one and gave it to one of my best friends. Today it hangs over his mantle at his apartment. I am proud of that, but maybe it means we are better friends than I am a good photographer.

Good friends are hard to come by, even more so when you tend to move around in this life. I am proud of each one of them, and wish them only the best in this life. If I am lucky my wanderings will stop while I am still close to them. I can only hope, because each Spring I get the urge to move again, to be somewhere else.

Good night.

Money

Money doesn't stay.
It chases the sun
burning itself away.

Like ashes rising
in the morning light
I chase the sun too

All of me flying
toward the heavens.


Love doesn't leave.
It stays close inside us
warming us on cold nights.

Like embers at the heart
of the nights fires
I miss your love.

All of you is here
deep within my soul.


Music fuels my thoughts most times. I envy those who can take what they feel and convey it to me so well. There is power in that ability, but not a tangible force. It is more of a spiritual power. This cough and congestion has been with me for awhile now, maybe a few days. I am taking some medicine, but if it doesn't get better I'll go see a doctor.

I have never really believed deep down that money will buy you any happiness. It is an argument that I hear from time to time though. When I was younger there were many times when we had money, but not much happiness. I've worked a lot in my life, in many different jobs. Money buys cars, tvs, food, alcohol, toys, but it will never ever buy happiness.

That makes me sort of a hypocrite though, for what did I do when I graduated with a college degree? I took the most money, the safe path in life. Maybe it is coincidence that they were the same path.

There was a time
these words flowed,
without me even thinking.

But not now
there are just
ghosts of truth,

lingering,
wishing to be
reborn in someone else's eyes.

I think more
these days now
when passion escapes me.

My limits,
and my faults
are always in my thoughts.

Reminding me
of who I am today
and have always been.

These words
they flow in my mind
they are me, and I am them.

I steal a little
to twist with myself
to make these feelings whole.

The words
of a song inspire
and shape my malleable form.

My words are ghosts
of my past, living here and now
helping to shape some kind of future.

There was a time
these words flowed,
without me even thinking.


All we have in this life are our words and our actions. They define us for the most part. We do not always say what we mean or feel. Sometimes I say the wrong thing, at the wrong time. Sometimes I am an insensitive person, not thinking of how others feel. The last one makes me think that maybe deep down I am really not a good person, but some deep seated moral compass makes up for it keeping me from doing things I know I would later regret. I would like to think that I was raised as a God fearing person who knew the difference between right and wrong, but there has been too much seen in this life to hide behind illusions of right/wrong.

We tell ourselves what we need to hear to live this life. What does a drug addict tell themselves? What about a murderer or worse? It would be nice and easy to label them as not human, but they are or were like the rest of us at one point in their life. What is the answer, money? Maybe it is love? I am not the person with the answers. I just have more questions. Too many times I have wondered about what life means, of why we are alive. An atheist would have you believe that truthfully there is no meaning, but that we were the fittest for survival. I think possibly we are too complex of individuals to have this our legacy. We have some purpose, if only to love and comfort each other.

Is there a higher power? If there is then I do not understand why it lets us kill each other. For if God exists then he made both you and me, both Arab and Jew. What makes one man better than another? Not the color of his skin, nor the kind of God he worships.

The night approaches
to take me back to you

I fear each time
that you are gone

but my nights hold you
at least in my dreams.

Good night to you in some small place in this world. I may have grown, but I have not really changed too much.

Nate

My Favorite Vacation

Hi again,

I am writing this from my work computer today. It seems that there is not enough time in the day after work to do much with this blog right now, so I'll just do some entries over my lunch hours. Work itself is hard right now though with the shear amount I am doing. Last night my work load kept me here till almost 7 pm, which means I missed the Wednesday night dinner this week. It seems that most people in our group missed it as well. Hopefully I will switch departments soon. Wherever I end up going at this company, it will be a difficult transition. That being said I do look forward to the challenge.

I included this picture of the Chinese Garen of Friendship in Sydney Australia because I need some tranquility today. I spent hours in this garden just wandering around one day. There are more pictures, but this one is a favorite of mine. There is a second reason I included this picture, and it deals with my work. Recently I received an email asking me if I wanted to immigrate to Australia. A long time ago I was set on moving there. Australia is a great country, as is America where I live. I really enjoyed my vacation there, and have friends who live in Australia. I want to go back, but for how long? Yes I still look at companies there to see if they need a skilled engineer, and I could probably immigrate there with my degree and experience but I cannot go there blind. It is just not how my life works. I was conditionally accepted at one of the colleges there in Sydney awhile back. I didn't do all the formal paperwork, but from talking to the department there, they would have more than welcomed my admission as a graduate student, but would not have assited me financially.

Does this mean I dislike my job? It is a job, not a career, so yes I somewhat dislike my job. Who doesn't? There are places here in Houston that I can go to try and find some tranquility, but I keep these pictures from Sydney to remind me of the time years ago that I was there. If I end up over there, then this blog will have to change somewhat, but not too much.

My lunch is getting cold, and I only get 1 hour for lunch.

till later,

Nate

Sunday Falling Down

Sundays are always quiet at the house. Usually I wake up late and eat either breakfast or lunch, depending on when I get up. This morning I woke up a little after 10 am. Breakfast consisted of a fried egg sandwich and some V8 juice stuff. Not the straight tomato juice, as I cannot stand the stuff, but the fusion stuff with blended berries in it. The rest of the morning was spent listening to music and watching some tv. I downloaded a few photos from the last few days in my spare time. I had a few from the drive home. Taking pictures from a moving vehicle at night has peaked my interest for a long time. There were a few of the moon as well. I need to determine how to get a slightly clearer picture because the pictures are good, but not great. The clarity is not good enough. It will be better.

It is slightly before 1 pm now. I should get back in the kitchen to fix a sandwich or light snack. I needed to write some first though. It's been a few years now that I have been writing, both overall and here on writing.com. There are some older poems, or prose, that I look at and wonder what i was going through or thinking at the time I wrote them.

Sorry I had to turn the tv off of a movie, and onto one of the cable channels myriad of music channels. I lose some concentration when a movie is on, it draws my attention away. It was a good movie, in my opinion, The Wedding Singer. Is it wrong to like Adam Sandler movies? Billy Madison was on earlier today. Maybe it is an Adam Sandler movie weekend.

Back to writing now. The Verve - Love is Noise is playing on the tv. It leads me back to my earlier writings. Some of them stick in my head to never leave, while others seem just noise that escaped me. Truth is I started writing on here for a friend that I love dearly. Some of those loving feelings were true and deep, while others were just writings. Not all of the poems/prose were about love, but the majority of them were. It was a difficult relationship, at times it was painful, but most of the difficulty arose from my own insecurities. Maybe love just naturally tests those deep seated insecurities that we all have.

I say all this now, because I have been wondering about my feelings that I expressed through those writings. The relationship never really ended, but it has dimmed quite low on the candle wick. There have been friends who have read what I write, and really like them saying I have some gift inside of me. That leads me back to why I wrote those feelings down. If I am gifted, which I have serious doubts about, then why am I still here alone? My friend was my first real fan of what I wrote, of my feelings. Why am here, and she is there far away? My insecurities rise up and try to block what is in my heart, playing on the weaknesses that reside within my soul. I feel lost and alone sometimes.

A friend of mine told me once how much I really meant to them. It was quite touching and dear, one of those moments you never forget. My friends are as good as my family at pulling me away from the quiet murmurs that my soul puts on my heart. But I do miss one of my best friends, my first fan, and best muse. She knows what she will always mean to me, and I know what I mean to her.

I need to write
to get this away

I need to think
to get this straight

I need you today
to set my heart right

I need you tonight
to set my candle alit.

Everything we are
and all we do

is but a prelude
to what our souls house

waiting for the opening
standing by your side

for this world is ours
and life is the beginning.

A new song is playing Gavin Rossdale - Love Remains the Same.

The world revolves around, walls fall down, and people die, but love remains the same.

Nate

Life On The Road

Good morning. It is August 20th, 2008. I am on break at work and thought I would expound on yesterday's blog. To the left is the picture I was talking about in New Mexico. It looks good framed on my parent's wall. I used a small 4.3 megapixel camera, a far cry from what I now use to take photos. There was an aloneness in that photo maybe foreshadowing the days ahead, who knows. Any how the past is just that, the past. I am working hard both at my day job, and at advancing what little photography skills I might possess. My ideal job? If money were not an object I would travel the world taking pictures of whatever was around me. Maybe I would keep a journal of my travels and write a few travel books, with pictures as well. There has always been a solitary aspect to my life. For a long while I just thought myself to be self-centered. Quite possibly I am, but too many times I let myself worry about what others think of me. There are a few poems where I question who I am and why I do what I do. There isn't too much time on this break but I'll post one here before someone comes in and I have to work again. It is a poem I wrote less than a year ago. I have slowed down in my writing. One of my muses has stepped out of my life, and it seems some of my inspiration has left. I have known her for close to 5 years now. She makes me question what I think and feel, and is really one of my best friends. I wish her well. Here is the poem. It has been edited.


Ask Me Again


Ask me again where my mind is,
trapped here and now, caught between times
of innocence and devils' calls.

Ask me again where my heart lies,
beating inside this tattered chest
set with the scars that I've earned.

Ask me again how my soul is,
free from my mind and misgivings
of this old heart, broke but mending.

Ask me again and I'll tell you
This mind is whole, strong, and my own,
guarding against my weaknesses.

Now can you understand where my mind is?
My heart holds love for those it chooses,
even when they are never near.

Now do you see how my heart feels always?
This soul dances to it's own voice,
a quiet, slow waltz through this life.

And now will you dance along with me?


Nate

Houston fountain

My new adopted home - Houston. I have come to appreciate the town that is Houston, TX. I moved here over a year ago thinking that maybe I wouldn't stay here that long. My mind and heart were torn as to where I wanted to be. Still really a big part of me doesn't want to be here, but each day shows me some more of this city. I took this photo from the Museum District of the city. I had spent most of the morning in the Houston Museum of Fine Art. I had thought possibly I would meet some of my friends there to hang out, but as what happens most of the time I spent the morning exploring the area. As I was walking around I saw the fountains at the traffic circle of Montrose and Main. The fountains are cool, but the time of day and sky were not perfect for the picture. I don't know too much about the 'perfect picture' but I seem to take some decent pictures. I am working on a portfolio, but I do not know much about making one. This computer is not great, but has some editing software.
I planned on getting a new computer but I am actual trying to save money. I don't go on a lot of dates, so that is a bonus for saving money. But I still hang out with all my friends a few times a week. Maybe if I stayed home more then I would save it faster, or it I actually tried to sell some of the photos I take I could make more money. Seriously though, are my photographs money worthy? Do I have an eye for what makes a good photo? It is one thing to take nice pictures, but will someone pay for them? I had a thought of a poetry/photo book but that seems so cliche to me, and everything I write seems not good enough for putting in a book. Most of what I write is from a skewed perspective. It is from the same mind, and eye that takes the pictures that I think represent life. I remember a picture I took on the way to Vegas. It was late afternoon at a roadside in New Mexico with the sun past the horizon. The abandoned roadside vegetable stand in the picture seemed as if from another time. I took the picture in black and white for an extra effect. It is a good picture, but I have taken better now. An Olympus E510 is my new camera. I have to buy some new lenses, but I am waiting till I get a new car. A car it seems I will not be getting right now.

Maybe I'll get one this week. Bye.

For a Breath

For a breath I tarry. There is a writer I discovered as a young child. He wrote about a make believe land where you followed the life of a noble prince wrongly thrown out of his world to live in ours. I escaped from my childhood life reading those books. It helped me get through each day in a world I did not want to live in. Later in my life I discovered that yes my world was not that bad as a child. I also discovered that there was more to this author, Roger Zelazny, than just the Amber series. I have read everything that has been published from his works. There may be more works published, but as he has been dead for some time now I don't imagine there is much more unpublished.

I started writing a few years ago. This poem is a small homage to Zelazny. I hope you enjoy.

For A Breath I Tarry


For a breath I tarry,
nor yet disperse apart.
Take my hand quick, tell me
what have you, in your heart.


Lead me to your secrets,
show me all of you, whole.
So that we may live
as two people, one soul.


For your breath I do wait
till the day this feeling
passes from waking thoughts
to leave my mind reeling.


Until that time I sit
with quiet, muted voice.
Afraid of losing you
I have only one choice.


For your breath I tarry,
nor yet disperse apart.
Take my hand quick, tell me
what you have in your heart.

Nate

Downtown Adventures

I live in the third largest city in the United States, Houston TX. After graduating college in 2007, a mid size engineering company offered me a good job here. As I have family in this city, and at the same company, it was an easy decision to move here. There were offers in the Midwest, New Orleans, and California, but my life is in Houston right now. There are about a dozen of my friends from college that moved out here to work. Every Wednesday night we meet for dinner at different restaurants. Most weeks only 6 to 7 of us are there, but one time all us met and it was great.

We have been here over a year, some of us leaving and some others coming here. One of my college friends is now my roommate, but he'll move out come December to further his career by working overseas. This post is about some of our downtown adventures. There are a handful of us that go out to bars or clubs in downtown Houston. To better understand what I am talking about, I must first say that all my college friends here are at most 24 years old. Being single still I prefer to go out with them in lieu of staying home on the weekend. I do need a break every once in awhile, but more often than not you can find me out with them on the weekends.

There are other thirty-somethings out on the weekends too, so I am not too much out of place. But I am a shy guy by nature. I get along with my friends, but if I do not know you then I have a hard time starting a conversation. So when we go out I can be a fun guy, but I don't hit on women at bars much. That means usually I am the designated driver, but not always. Last night I was the DD. I was at a friends house just hanging out watching the Olympics and Michael Phelps winning his 8th gold medal. Some of the guys were not from Houston and wanted to go out to a downtown club. Since I was the sober guy, and have been out downtown some, I was elected to drive. Surprisingly the trip there was rather short. I am including a picture of one of the Enron buildings downtown to show what the skyscrapers there look like. I am probably moving downtown to a loft next year if I am here in Houston.

We got downtown about 12:45 am and found a place to park not too far from the club. Now parking in Houston, especially downtown, can be hard to find so we were lucky. Another fact of life of Houston is the year round temperature. It is almost always warm here even in December. That makes it a nice place to live if you don't like the cold. When we parked last night near the club we saw 3 homeless people sleeping next to a small building. This is a lengthy topic fit for another post, soon hopefully. We got to the club to hang out, and to be sociable. It was $10 to get in with expensive drinks, but it is the best place in Houston that is open till 5 am. Most bars close at 2 am, so everyone not ready to go home comes to Rich's. The music is modern, but good and loud. Having a few beers does help my social skills some and loosens me up, but as the DD I stayed clear of anything alcoholic. I did mingle around and had a decent time, but let my friends go out on their own looking for women. I met a few over the 4 hours we were there, but not alot. It was interesting to see the different people out at the club, as it pulls in quite a few people from all walks of life.

When we were leaving at about 4 am or so, the drunk guys got a pizza from a guy on the street. It was one of those pizzas the guy probably made at home then brought there tho sell to drunk people who didn't really know what they were eating. In Austin they actually have pizza mobiles that make the pizza on the spot. As we were walking back to my car we start talking to the girls in front of us and on past us walking to the club are two transvestites. I do not know if this is a regulated blog, but I won't go into what that word means. 'Her' name is Sebastian. I remember the first time I went to Rich's. I was there with my roommate and one of my best friends. My roommate, who shall ever remain nameless, was pretty drunk and talking to Sebastian. They traded phone numbers that night.

I drove back to my friends house and was too tired to drive back to my home so I crashed on the sofa after having most of a beer. This morning I woke up watched some more Olympics on tv, went out to lunch with one of my friends from last night, and then took off for the house to chill some before my weekend is over.

Tomorrow is off to work, and maybe another day closer to my dreams being fulfilled. They are dreams of love, adventure, monetary gains, and some peace or clarity in this life.

Quietness

I was feeling a little morose one day at work, and wrote down a free verse poem. It does have some structure, but no rhyme. I am going to try and find a picture that would go with the poem.

Quietness

There is a quietness inside me

maybe it is like depression.

I fear that word sometimes

afraid that maybe that's where I am.

In this life I am more of a watcher

not really jumping into the fire.

The fire that is this life

consuming, changing, confusing.

There is a quietness inside me

people mistake for wisdom.

When all I am is afraid to say

the right thing at the right time.

In this life I am one who watches

who takes pictures of beauty.

Beauty that lives in this world

living, loving, laughing.

There is a quietness in here

it is my peace of mind and soul.

My place where I pull back to escape

from the questions and challenges.

The questions that I ask everyday

knowing there are no right answers.

For the answers are not within me

fleeting, fleeing, feelings.

There is a quietness inside of me

that might be called depression.

I am afraid to call it that

for fear that I am really alone.

Alone in this world that never stops

until that day when fate plays your hand

The fate that silently awaits you

.............................................

There is nothing more beautiful than what is natural. I can sit and gaze at the sunset for hours if my life allows it. That is where I wish to be, in a peaceful contemplative place sitting next to whomever wishes to be by my side.