Thoughts

Hi guys,

I know it's been a few weeks since I entered a blog. Maybe Ike can be blamed somewhat. We didn't lose power at the house, but enough of my family and friends did that my time has been somewhat filled with helping them.

Really though I am in a transitional place maybe. There are times I get downhearted, and this is one of them. A big part of me is itching to be somewhere else, anywhere else. Usually this happens in Spring, but in Southern Texas Spring happens all year really, except for the hot days of Summer.

My problem is that I know where I want to be, but I can't find a reason to be there other than the way I feel. It's hard to get my head, and wallet, around that. Or maybe I am just afraid of failing, again.

I was writing some last night about what I went through as a kid. Of course at the time I thought I was suffering what no kid ever had to suffer. My parents loved me, but that didn't really change anything. My brothers were my best friends back then, and we are still real close. We all suffered through high school and our parents divorce. We all worked our way through our adolescence in order to support the family. My older brother and I did what we had to stoically, while my younger brother rebeled when and where he could. There was always the threat of violence looming over us from our stepfather, but it wasn't mean or malicious. Truthfully I did not want to work as a kid, but I felt that I had no choice.

When I left for college I could not wait to escape the life I thought I was trapped in as a kid. College was 500 miles away from my family. For a long time my younger brother felt as if I had abandoned him there with my mom and stepdad. Maybe in a way I did. I don't know. It can be hard on a kid growing up to feel as if trapped.

As an adult it is easy to see the bigger picture, but that doesn't change how what we went through afffected our lives and viewpoints. I am not smart enough to say how I was affected, except that I had from that time learned the value of work. Unfortunately there has always been a reluctance to let loose and have fun. Fun was never really a part of my childhood after age 12.

Luckily for me now, most of my friends drag me out because they are still not set in their way adults like people my age. Maybe a part of me never grew up from age 12. I still tend to see the world as too simple sometimes.

Time to get back to work. I wrote this for one of the blogs I write to, but will share it with the others. Hope wherever you are, your days are good.

What I was feeling when my parents divorced,

Always There, by Nathan Linhardt

That day upon which he left

he didnt say a single word.

He just wasn't there.

It was ever approaching,

this day had been for years.

He just didn't care.

No edible fruit will grow

on that family tree,

none this tree wants to bear.

That day I started my own

with no mention of his name,

but little was I aware.

I was more like him

than I saw in the mirror,

of that demon I am heir.

I try to stop this line

of isolation and pain.

This tree I will repair.

And mend what branches

are left around me,

by showing that I care.

With a start of sharing

my feelings for you,

both the common and the rare.

For I shall travel far and distant,

but my love for you

is everywhere.

This poem I dedicate

to all those in my life

who will always be there.

Nate