Dreams and Heart Murmurs

Hi again,

I tried to dream last night. There was something there when I awoke, but it wasnt clear or gorund breaking. I was arriving at a party sometime after dark. I saw some of my friends there. It was a birthday party for a friend. It was kind of a let down that it was the dream.

I've done a fair amount of work today. Sometimes the pace and amount of work get to me. I am not one to not want to get things done, so I try real hard to get what is in front of me accomplished. Sometimes I push myself too much. Right now I feel somewhat burnt out, like I am moving so fast that when I do slow down my body has to take time to acclimate itself to this new speed.

These times sometimes coincide with the murmurs I feel, the times when maybe my heartbeat isn't what it should be. The writing I do helps, as does listening to slower music. Right now there is some Ben Harper songs playing on my work computer. I brought in some personal music to listen to at work, thinking maybe it would help my mood throughout the day.

With my job I help people fix problems with whatever we as a company have sold to them. Seems like I am somewhat good at fixing other people's problems. If only I was that good at fixing my own problems. I am working on it, but it easy to overlook what you are going through with everything that is happening in the world. It is sometimes easier to not see the problems in your own life, maybe hoping they will fix themselves. I fight against this more than I should in my opinion. It seems that everytime I get something fixed, something else creeps in that I should have seen and fixed a long time ago. Maybe I am just now paying for all the mistakes and unfixed problems of my past.

I am being vague I know, but that is a writers priveledge. A slow song by Anggun is playing 'Breathe in Water'. I first saw her music on the soundtrack from 'The Transporter' and the song "On the Breath of an Angel.' I think she is french and arabic. She has a really good voice, and most of her songs I can put on a low volume at work. I listen to most any kind of music though, from the ACB's to Warren Zevon. Kid Rock sampled the beat to "Werewolf in London' for his new song. I think that is okay, but the technique of sampling for beats in songs is used too much. You may ask why this is important. It deals with creativity. We are becoming less and less creative as individuals. The more we lean on the past, the more we chance damaging our future. We need smart creative people to bring about the changes needed to advance as a society, as the human race.

You don't hear that phrase much lately 'human race'. Is the word 'race' thought to be a bad word? We all belong to the human race, no matter where you were born or what you believe in.

I just got another email on this job that is really stressing me out. How can we have so many problems on one job? My boss told me this morning that they wanted to keep me in this position for longer than the year they originally told me back last October. I don't see me lasting past Halloween here if that happens. I may be strong and mature enough for this job, but it is the kind that burns people out quick. Lunch is close to over, and maybe I can get a jump on that problem if I at least look at the email that just came in.


Hope wherever you are, that your day is better than mine,


Nate

Music and Memories

Good Evening,

You may wonder what I am doing tonight. Just writing some here, not too much. I wanted to share a view of the other side of the world. Doesn't look that much different than your own backyard, I suppose. A fried of mine took this picture with their webcam to show me what their world was like. I'm not a big webcam guy, having only owned one once. I am not that technologically advanced yet. This blog and a few forum websites are my maximum exposure I think.

Even when I write I prefer to write with pen on paper over this typing on a laptop. I can remember being at work, or in class, and sneaking in personal time to write something down. Sometimes I would finish a long poem or two in less than an hour. I could not help it. There was a feeling inside of me that had to be expressed, if for no other reason than I felt it. My muse, she encouraged me to never hide how I felt, yet there were times I am sure that she worried about what I could write. I had my times of self doubt and depression, and sometimes still do to a degree fight those feelings.

One of the sources for my writing has been music. It makes me smile and sing and cry and basically every emotion that you can feel. Last night I put on some Mozart and Vivaldi looping on the laptop while I slept. Hadn't done that in awhile. Was somewhat soothing to sleep to the Four Seasons.

I wasn't going to get into this tonight, but I spoke to my muse some this morning. After breakfast but before I got to work. We haven't been that close and thus my writings, at least the sappy romantic poems, had slowed down with sadder ones coming out more often. I m not proud of them, except that I was feeling them so it was better to write them down to get those feelings out. I miss her lately more than I have in the past. I gues I will always miss her. She is out there just out of sight in the picture above. Sometimes I would imagine myself stepping through that picture and being there by her pool. One day that will come to pass, but right now it is time to dream again.

Good night,

Nate

Walking

I needed to post a picture with actual people in it for this post. There are mainly landscape or architectural pictures in my portfolio, but this picture really stands out to me as to what you can see when just out walking around. That is the topic of this post, walking through life. I rewrote a poem today after reading a review that someone had sent me long ago. It is a poem about life, and what we might go through as we walk down our paths we choose. I know one of the models in this picture. I had attended a soccer match that night. My friend was there with his company for an outing. After the match I met up with them to hang out when this young woman posed for a picture with my friend. If only I would sell this add to Coke, lol. Anthow here is the rewritten poem. The original title was not very thought provoking "Walking". I have a new title.

Ancestors - by Nathan Linhardt


my spirit is trapped
inside this mortal shell

waiting for the hour,
the day I am truly free

kept from flying,
quiet in solitude

images distract me
from what is true
in this complicated
existence we live in

bright lights pull me
asking me to stay
and fill my days
with nothing more

than the emptiness of vice,
than the blindness of folly,
than the absence of love.

we learn what they choose
to teach us,
those who look out
for our best interests.

yet what we really need
is the guidance
and wisdom
of every generation before.

this voice in me speaks
with conviction and truth
when saying to you
there is a way to be true

true to the spirit inside
honoring all those before
and walking the pathway
with many kindred souls.

Nate

Unseen Forces

I was sitting in the car on the way to work this morning thinking that somehow the sun looked different this morning, more round or something similar. It settled in mind throughout the day, so I am writing this tonight to make some sense of it all. We live our lives working, eating, sleeping, and just plain being. There are scant few times we stop and think of things beyond us.

What is it that keeps our little world revolving around whatever it revolves around? What is it that makes us question everything? Or am I just asking the questions over and over hoping to find the answers which agree with me? This body is not fit for sports. My mind is one of my strongest attributes. It works better when free of distractions, like tonight. Tomorrow morning I'll get up early and try to go to the zoo. Last time I was there it was too hot to see the big cats. They live caged for however long their lives are destined to be. Do their lives reflect society?

At least we get to vote for our zookeepers............

Nate

Thoughts

Hi guys,

I know it's been a few weeks since I entered a blog. Maybe Ike can be blamed somewhat. We didn't lose power at the house, but enough of my family and friends did that my time has been somewhat filled with helping them.

Really though I am in a transitional place maybe. There are times I get downhearted, and this is one of them. A big part of me is itching to be somewhere else, anywhere else. Usually this happens in Spring, but in Southern Texas Spring happens all year really, except for the hot days of Summer.

My problem is that I know where I want to be, but I can't find a reason to be there other than the way I feel. It's hard to get my head, and wallet, around that. Or maybe I am just afraid of failing, again.

I was writing some last night about what I went through as a kid. Of course at the time I thought I was suffering what no kid ever had to suffer. My parents loved me, but that didn't really change anything. My brothers were my best friends back then, and we are still real close. We all suffered through high school and our parents divorce. We all worked our way through our adolescence in order to support the family. My older brother and I did what we had to stoically, while my younger brother rebeled when and where he could. There was always the threat of violence looming over us from our stepfather, but it wasn't mean or malicious. Truthfully I did not want to work as a kid, but I felt that I had no choice.

When I left for college I could not wait to escape the life I thought I was trapped in as a kid. College was 500 miles away from my family. For a long time my younger brother felt as if I had abandoned him there with my mom and stepdad. Maybe in a way I did. I don't know. It can be hard on a kid growing up to feel as if trapped.

As an adult it is easy to see the bigger picture, but that doesn't change how what we went through afffected our lives and viewpoints. I am not smart enough to say how I was affected, except that I had from that time learned the value of work. Unfortunately there has always been a reluctance to let loose and have fun. Fun was never really a part of my childhood after age 12.

Luckily for me now, most of my friends drag me out because they are still not set in their way adults like people my age. Maybe a part of me never grew up from age 12. I still tend to see the world as too simple sometimes.

Time to get back to work. I wrote this for one of the blogs I write to, but will share it with the others. Hope wherever you are, your days are good.

What I was feeling when my parents divorced,

Always There, by Nathan Linhardt

That day upon which he left

he didnt say a single word.

He just wasn't there.

It was ever approaching,

this day had been for years.

He just didn't care.

No edible fruit will grow

on that family tree,

none this tree wants to bear.

That day I started my own

with no mention of his name,

but little was I aware.

I was more like him

than I saw in the mirror,

of that demon I am heir.

I try to stop this line

of isolation and pain.

This tree I will repair.

And mend what branches

are left around me,

by showing that I care.

With a start of sharing

my feelings for you,

both the common and the rare.

For I shall travel far and distant,

but my love for you

is everywhere.

This poem I dedicate

to all those in my life

who will always be there.

Nate

Hump day thoughts

I like to take pictures, if you hadn't figured that out, finding it somewhat relaxing. The majority of the time the pictures are of nature, or architecture. This life can be stressful, if you let it. Most times my job, and life, stress me out. This morning was spent working and stressing some. It is no surprise that for a few minutes that old feeling came back to me. It is not easy to desrcibe in words and sentences. I wrote a poem about it awhile back, but I wrote another one just this morning. I'll put both on here, below. Back to this picture. It was taken at the townhouse where I live. I tried to get all sky because the places around me are almost all the same, and boring. The picture turned out looking as if it was taken from a plane in the sky. I like that. The color and composition are pleasant to the eye. Having my camera, and a willingness to take pictures is something that helps me relax. Anyhow, below are the new poem "I Push" and the older poem "Murmurs".

"I Push"

I push too hard.

This body

is now slowing,

almost

stopping.

It's the murmurs

that I feel,

beating,

somehow

screaming.

I ask too much.

This heart

is now slowing,

as if

strolling.

Maybe it's wisdom

that does this,

this asking

my soul,

pleading.

I run too often.

This life

is needing

peaceful

feelings.

"Murmurs"

I can't explain it,

but to say

it's all internal.

An odd feeling

settles in

around my heart.

The pace is not

that different

to cause me panic,

but my chest seems

constricted,

and I feel each beat.

I have had this

ache before

sitting in my chest,

like a weight

holding me

from moving anywhere.

I would call it

heartache

but no one has broken it.

It should pass

rather soon,

but each time is unique.

No one knows

of this

my heartache, my pain.

I force myself

to move,

distracting my mind

from the murmurs

of my heart,

echoing in this silence.

Nate

My Winds

This picture has little to do with the title to this post. I took this picture in Alberta Canada while I was there for a long weekend. I drove up from Couer d'Alene one weekend in the summer of 2005. I had just bought my first real digital camera, and wanted to take some awesome photos. I have bought a few cameras since then, but I got some really good photos with that little Nikon CoolPix camera.

I chose this picture because it is a statement of who I was as compared to who I am right now. I was an idealist then. I was someone who could pick up his life and do something fun, original, and meaningful at the drop of a hat. There is some of that person still inside of me, but it seems to be harder and harder every year to be that guy. Maybe I am fighting against these made up winds that I say are pushing me to where they want me to go. I was thinking along these lines today when I wrote a small poem. Maybe I was experiencing memories of a friend who has been away for awhile. Anyhow it is a small poem about life I guess. I try not to analyze what I write, because I tend to overanalyze things anyway.

The working title is "Winds of my Life"


I am sore today
from the coughing,
aches, and pains.

This is not the life
I thought would happen
,so much is different.

When we are kids
we dream of life,
and what we can be.

This life molds me.
As much as I try,
I cannot shape it.

Fighting against wind,
I move to directions
from deep in my heart.

But my body betrays me,
shifting from the force
of the winds around me.

What once was my horizon
is now off to my right.
My direction is lost to me.

My angel leads me on,
but her voice gets lost
in the wind sometimes.

She tells me 'stay'
and she will care for me,
for my heart and my soul.

But her voice is distant
not beside me as I wish,
somewhere out of my vision.

Today I quell the winds
with words made of symbols,
answers made of riddles.

The wind it tries to move me,
it tries to shift my perception
to deafen me to my own heart.

I can stay the wind for you
if the words come out right,
if my words are from my heart.

Nate

My Life On The Run

When I was younger my life was not set before me. There are things that were static, but some things were dynamic. Dynamic in a way that you actually can visually see. My family moved around after our parents were divorced, new schools, new friends, new neighbors. Maybe my life has never stopped moving since then. For a small part of my life, 6 years, I lived on a small farm but even then my job took me away for weeks on end to new places of the country.

I like to be moving because it comforts me to know that I do not have to settle down. Driving long distances still is pleasant to me, even in my 30s. I do like to stop and see the area I am passing through. I love to take pictures too. There are shots of road side vending stands in New Mexico that I would have never seen if I had not driven to my destination.


Above is a shot I just took a few hours ago. I was driving down 610 North towards the house, after just leaving dinner with friends. I could not make it home soon enough to capture the sun setting behind some clouds, and I could not pull over on the freeway. So I just turned my camera on and took some pictures whilst driving. Maybe not the smartest thing I have ever done, but my driving ability is better than decent. There are some pictures taken while driving that turn out really good. I framed one and gave it to one of my best friends. Today it hangs over his mantle at his apartment. I am proud of that, but maybe it means we are better friends than I am a good photographer.

Good friends are hard to come by, even more so when you tend to move around in this life. I am proud of each one of them, and wish them only the best in this life. If I am lucky my wanderings will stop while I am still close to them. I can only hope, because each Spring I get the urge to move again, to be somewhere else.

Good night.

Money

Money doesn't stay.
It chases the sun
burning itself away.

Like ashes rising
in the morning light
I chase the sun too

All of me flying
toward the heavens.


Love doesn't leave.
It stays close inside us
warming us on cold nights.

Like embers at the heart
of the nights fires
I miss your love.

All of you is here
deep within my soul.


Music fuels my thoughts most times. I envy those who can take what they feel and convey it to me so well. There is power in that ability, but not a tangible force. It is more of a spiritual power. This cough and congestion has been with me for awhile now, maybe a few days. I am taking some medicine, but if it doesn't get better I'll go see a doctor.

I have never really believed deep down that money will buy you any happiness. It is an argument that I hear from time to time though. When I was younger there were many times when we had money, but not much happiness. I've worked a lot in my life, in many different jobs. Money buys cars, tvs, food, alcohol, toys, but it will never ever buy happiness.

That makes me sort of a hypocrite though, for what did I do when I graduated with a college degree? I took the most money, the safe path in life. Maybe it is coincidence that they were the same path.

There was a time
these words flowed,
without me even thinking.

But not now
there are just
ghosts of truth,

lingering,
wishing to be
reborn in someone else's eyes.

I think more
these days now
when passion escapes me.

My limits,
and my faults
are always in my thoughts.

Reminding me
of who I am today
and have always been.

These words
they flow in my mind
they are me, and I am them.

I steal a little
to twist with myself
to make these feelings whole.

The words
of a song inspire
and shape my malleable form.

My words are ghosts
of my past, living here and now
helping to shape some kind of future.

There was a time
these words flowed,
without me even thinking.


All we have in this life are our words and our actions. They define us for the most part. We do not always say what we mean or feel. Sometimes I say the wrong thing, at the wrong time. Sometimes I am an insensitive person, not thinking of how others feel. The last one makes me think that maybe deep down I am really not a good person, but some deep seated moral compass makes up for it keeping me from doing things I know I would later regret. I would like to think that I was raised as a God fearing person who knew the difference between right and wrong, but there has been too much seen in this life to hide behind illusions of right/wrong.

We tell ourselves what we need to hear to live this life. What does a drug addict tell themselves? What about a murderer or worse? It would be nice and easy to label them as not human, but they are or were like the rest of us at one point in their life. What is the answer, money? Maybe it is love? I am not the person with the answers. I just have more questions. Too many times I have wondered about what life means, of why we are alive. An atheist would have you believe that truthfully there is no meaning, but that we were the fittest for survival. I think possibly we are too complex of individuals to have this our legacy. We have some purpose, if only to love and comfort each other.

Is there a higher power? If there is then I do not understand why it lets us kill each other. For if God exists then he made both you and me, both Arab and Jew. What makes one man better than another? Not the color of his skin, nor the kind of God he worships.

The night approaches
to take me back to you

I fear each time
that you are gone

but my nights hold you
at least in my dreams.

Good night to you in some small place in this world. I may have grown, but I have not really changed too much.

Nate