A Somber Day

The mood today has been somewhat somber and quiet. I woke up on my friend's couch this morning, after a long night of partying. Most times I am not like that, but the party was good. Maybe it would have been best if I had chosen to go to the concert instead of staying and drinking. I think I needed a night of mindless bonding, maybe. The football teams we were cheering for lost. Other than that it was a fun time.

The trip back home was the somber part, mostly because a friend sent me a text message about a college professor where we went to college. He was arrested a few days ago on child pornography charges. This comes as a huge shock to everyone. Not that we knew him. He was a new hire at Tech, having hired on as most of us were graduating. I met him while he was interviewing for the job. All day I have been trying to get my mind around this, trying to make it make sense. My family has some history with this, sort of. Years ago one of my family members was accused by another family member of sexual molestation. What this teacher did was worse. We fight our demons in our own ways. The professor did not deny what he did, according to the news articles. Maybe he wanted to be caught. But I don't buy that this is an affliction.

We all have moments of weakness, everyone. No one is perfect. But we get past these times. We know what is right and wrong, yet sometimes we say we are too weak and cannot fight our vices. Is this the same weakness that brings alcoholism and drug use? I fight against myself, sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. What do I fight against? Fear. That might sound odd, but I fight my own fear of rejection. I get afraid of rejection from those that I love. It has made me make dumb choices, and at times not stand up for myself. I am not proud of that, so much that I never even let it show. People can see it though, specially the ones who might use it against me. This weakness I have might stem from my parents divorce and my father leaving, but I fear it is deeper rooted than that. But I know what I fight, and I fight it each day.

This was a quiet and somber day. I needed to reflect a little, but sometimes the man in the reflection isn't the greatest man in the world.

Goodnight,

Nate

the sun rises outside my window this morning. all is quiet in this corner of the world. my brother and nephews have left on their journey back home. they have my old car. it was a birthday present to the oldest nephew. of course my brother gave me some money for it, which I gave part of back to my nephew so he could license it when he gets home. maybe I should not have accepted any money for it.

it was a good weekend. we spent yesterday driving around town and seeing sights. last night we went out to play miniature golf and eat pizza. I miss them sometimes here. years ago my life took me far away from most of my family, but life does that. there are some family members down here, my aunt and uncle. they have a couple of kids, now grown, who aren't too far away. maybe next weekend I'll go visit them. my life right now is work, friends, and some family. no love in my life except for the love I keep for those far away. maybe that is what pains my heart sometimes. there was some heartache when my family had left this morning. we hugged a lot before they left. they are good kids, my nephews. I can see why so many people want families and children.

the sun is up now, shining on the houses. I am here sitting typing this down, feeling like a bird who doesn't know how to fly. I see my friends and family living their lives, happy and sad. maybe I write too much, not living in whatever moment I find myself, dooming myself to walk alone in this life, walking through life, writing and taking photos of what I see, not really living.

then I remember those I have let into my life, and everything they have brought me, both good and bad; the friends who supported me, those who stole from me, the family members who love me, the people who disliked me, the women I have let myself love but didn't really love me, and those who loved me when I never wanted it from them. why is this life so hard sometimes? do we choose to make it hard by our preconceived notions of right/wrong, of love/hate?

we try all our lives
try to be happy
whatever that means

you love the people
that touch your heart

life takes what it wants though
not letting you make many choices

I am scared of love, sometimes.

it frees my heart
loosens my pen
opens my defenses
blinds my vision
makes me trust myself
and my feelings.

the only thing that hurts me
is my heart, is my love
my doubt when things go wrong
makes me not trust myself
makes me close it off
to those who love me.

there is no love without hurt
no peace without war
we exist here for unknown reasons.

inside us is every possibility
there is love and hatred
anger and compassion.

I can do little but say this
over and over again
we are our salvation,
we are our downfall.

when we love, others may follow
when we hate, it breeds more hate.
mob mentality or personal empathy?

I love, and sometimes I hate
my life is not right
but I try everyday
to make it close to right.


Nate

You and Me

We are one nation, this world today. It is no more evident then in the financial crisis that has hit almost every country across the globe. There was talk about this years ago in the States, but you see it now. We are all just fractious states in the same massive country we call Earth. Some of the states bind together to try and face some of the major problems we face such as global debt, environmental issues, and the governing developing states.

The United Nations is like their Senate, but without too much real power. The only power the United nations has is to bring together the states in discussion that will hopefully lead to action by some or all of the states. They police their own when one of the members acts out, such as the Georgia-Russia incident that is hopefully now calming. I say that only for the innocent involved, the citizens who put up with the governments of their respective states in that region. When governments fight it is usually the citizens not involved who pay the price with their lives.

If we are not to this point of one nation under the United Nations, then we will soon be there. We argue that we have our national pride, but that nationalism is what usually gets us in trouble. It is a tool used by those in power to steer the masses in whatevr direction they choose. Maybe it is better to say that the world is made up of various country-states within the the same massive nation. We have our borders and our own laws particular to whatever state we live in, but there is a higher power that dictates to us what we can and cannot do. For awhile America was above this, but with all the interconnectivity that is revealed with present financial crisis it is evident that America is reliant on other countries as much as they are reliant on America.

Where do we go from here? Yesterday I obtained a loan for a newer car, so there is still some credit to be had out there. Is this financial crisis a smoke screen to scare and control the people of the world? You can ask most people and they will say the 'buyout' of the banks was not needed, but this correction of financial loaning practices has been needed for a long time. Lending institutions were loaning out money to people who could not afford the payments, knowing full well that they would later foreclose on the property and not have lost any money on the deal. The people who suffer are the people overextending themselves with loans they never should have taken just to try and better their lives, to have a better house, a better car. That is not bettering yourself, and whomever sold these people on this dream should be locked up. That would be the government and the media, telling them that they can do anything they want, that they can live the American dream. Well they can, but it is one thing to tell someone they can do something, and a whole different thing to actually help them achieve that dream or atleast show them how to properly do it.

It takes hard work, not buying on credit. Hard work is the cornerstone of the immigrants who come to America, whether now or 200 years ago. They have always had it the roughest because they arrive here without much to their name and have to work twice as hard to get what they need, what they want. There is all this political discussion about immigration into America. we should be thankful we actually have people here who want to work. From the time I was a young boy I was taught the importance of hard work for low pay. Presently I have slightly higher pay, but I work real hard for it. Have too many people in the world forgotten the value of hard work, or have they just taken on more debt than they should have? Have we as a society placed too much emphasis on outward appearances, instead of focusing on the core of an individual? We need to be smart with our hard earned wages. I can say this because I fight with myself to save money. It is not easy in this world where we want more than we can afford.

We are one nation, this world today. Together we rise, divided we fall.

I did not mean to write so philosophical. It just came out. Usually I am just a laid back kind of guy. Guess people being laid back might have contributed to this financial mess we are currently fighting. Do we trust our lending institutions and world leaders to get us through this? I have my reservations about trusting them. What can we do though? Guess we either trust them or elect people we can trust. Maybe more discretion on who we borrow money from is warranted as well. Have a good day.


Nate

We do not know what tomorrow brings. Our trust is put wherever we see fit to put it. Tonight I am not trusting my thoughts or dreams.

there is an emptiness
in me tonight

it feels like a hole
in the world

a place where nothing resides
somewhere you cannot see.

sleep will capture these thoughts
these feelings of loneliness

night erases what I cannot say
taking away my despair

I cry out for you to hear me
if only in my dreams.

the dreams I cannot see
cannot remember when I awake

they haunt me for I wonder
what they are not telling me

am I whom I seem to be
walking around in the daylight?

is my soul something else
something greater, or maybe lesser

these nightly visions
are but reflections turned inwards

mirrored samplings of who we are
sometimes distorted in our perceptions.

there is an emptiness
in my heart tonight

it is like a hole
that has no edges

a place where I cannot see
what resides within me.



Good night,

Nate

That Old Feeling

There are times when this settles over me. They are not dangerous times, or times out of the ordinary, except to say that I am morose, or somewhat sad. Maybe those aren't the correct words, but they are all I have.

It's like I know somewhere in the world something has happened to make this a more somber, sadder place. I use what is around me to focus my thoughts to make myself forget these times, but they still visit me now and then. I use work to push myself past these times, and I use friends to better my moods. We never really stop to think too much on what things mean to us. Well I don't stop enough. I do not mean to project my inadequacies onto anyone else.

My work calls me now, for there is much to do to occupy my thoughts today. May this pass from me when it is meant to. I will revisit this writing later when possibly I have forgotten what troubles me.

What troubles me? insecurity, aloneness, instability?

I was tempted to just randomly surf the web just now at work. Nothing that wouldn't be suitable for work though. My time would be better suited to writing these things out. We all have some sense of insecurity in these days. Truthfully the times of peace and security are most likely behind us for awhile. What we have now are times of questions, times where we do not know enough about who we are as a people and where we are going in the near future. We are not alone though in our quest for security. The world is changing more than we might be ready to accept. It is unstable because we do not know yet what we want. We strive for normalcy, if it even exists, by forcing what we want and feel on people half way around the world. Why can't we just stop and right ourselves before we insist on changing other people? We need to change ourselves. We need to wake up from whatever dormancy we inhabited in the 80s and 90s. Perhaps we are waking up. What roused us? The threat of terrorism has woken up the world to what has always been there. The world is too small for us to not be concerned with who is killing who, and for what reason they kill. I myself am more of a idealist, hoping that there can be peace. But there is a part of me that has grown in the last seven years that is more of a realist. We live in the real world, where people die everyday and most of us do not even see or think about it. Truth is our lives fill most of our days. Our lives are better than most in the sense that we have many options in our lives. We sometimes limit ourselves by our own actions, and sometimes others limit our possibilities because or prejudice or racial bias, but we still have more say in our own lives than people in other countries.

Are you republican or democrat? I am neither, and will never be labeled as either one. We need to be without a label. We need to break every stereotype we have ever heard about ourselves, or where we come from. As individuals the only thing we can actually control are our thoughts and actions. I cannot say what exactly is right. All I can do is live with respect and love for myself and others, and demand that the people who represent me in whatever country I live do the same. We should not live under the leadership of fear, hate, or greed. I have seen alot of politicians come and go in this country. Sooner or later you see the results of men who lie, cheat, steal, and intimidate. I will vote in this election come November, but it will not be for Democrat or Republican. I will not vote for change just for change sake. My vote will mean something if only to me.

My break at work was over a short while ago. It is time to be productive I think. Have a good day wherever you are. I think maybe I am over that funk from earlier today.
Nate